Love. It’s not what you think…it’s what you feel!

And it starts with you!

What a revelation! It’s been a while, I know! In all honesty, I have been writing for a while but I wasn’t brave enough to post my heart-felt musings. But now, like a butterfly emerging from it’s chrysalis, I’ve found my wings. I’m ready!

Love, a haiku poem by maryam

I have lately been busier than ever. This time though, unlike my usual track record of being ‘busy’ with work, I’ve been busy on myself! Working hard on looking deep inside and facing up to so many demons.

Since I first took that leap to move to Morocco, people ask ‘Why Morocco?’ and all I can say is, ‘it felt so right’. Now I know that was just the first step. I’ve been on a jet propelled adventure of self discovery ever since. My soul knew.

So back to love! And more importantly, loving myself! This has to be the biggest adventure.

For so many years I thought I knew what love should be like. What it should look like. I looked for love in everything someone said, did, bought me etc. But I was always disappointed. I didn’t feel loved. I felt unlovable. I became frustrated and disillusioned. I was angry.

I built up walls. I created a tough shell that wouldn’t let anyone in until they met all my many conditions. I expected more and more ‘proof’ from people. It was a very vicious cycle. The more I projected the feeling that I was unlovable, the less I felt loved and the more disappointed and hurt I felt. I became a very frustrated and angry person.

I became an expert at giving love in the way I thought I should receive it. I controlled love. I became too attached and dependent. I accepted less than what I deserved. And most importantly, I gave myself away in the process. I lost myself.

There have been times in the past when I tried to tackle this head-on and those times have always rewarded me with precious memories and achievements. Yet, I couldn’t quite hold onto that powerful self belief and love and soon let the negative nellies win! Always overthinking and over loving. I lived in my head not in my heart. I was scared to truly love and be loved.

But it wasn’t that I wasn’t loveable, I just didn’t trust myself. I didn’t love myself. How could I expect anyone else to love me?

When I felt that urge to move to Morocco, my soul was urging me to leave that destructive pattern behind. Once and for all. And it hasn’t been easy. At all!

I mean, it’s like a total rewiring! I have had to retrain my brain. I’ve had to silence the noise that niggles away at me. I’ve had to forgive myself wholeheartedly. I’ve had to learn to trust myself again. To listen to my gut instinct. And to once again follow my heart.

There have been many obstacles along the way. But now I can feel just how every single experience and beautiful soul I’ve encountered along the way, has been just where they needed to be at the time they needed to be. Encouraging me to let go of all my old ways of thinking and instead to just be and feel the real amazing no more walls me.

And the more I’ve learnt to truly love myself the more I realise my own power. I am following my heart every single day. And I am being rewarded with an adventure beyond my wildest dreams! And more love than I could ever dream of!

So a massive thank you to every single one of you who have patiently and unconditionally loved me all the way.

And remember, love is our very existence. We are amazing! Mashallah

Maryam x 

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